Tuesday, October 9, 2012

circa October 27, 2010, 23:43 : optimism size

but right, the fall air is so tasty, and the colours are so vibrant! (i love walking everywhere!) and plus, it helps that i am terribly easy, so if you put that together, then why yes i will play hooky and ferris bueller my other class, so that i can help my best friend (who i hadn't seen in two weeks (!!!)) buy disgustingly overpriced (read: fucking nice) shoes, and then buy $5 second hand trouser pants (they make bums look so large, but seem so ladylike, i don't know, i don't know, problems, problems... nope, not even a little bit. not even at all.). so we ditch, and get delicious beverages, and laugh, and talk, and update each other on our still very much shared lives (thank goodness for technology) but feel good about you know, physically seeing each other! and we end up on university stairs, staring at really good looking people walk by, until the other members of the team exit class and come join us, and family reunion, hi! so we sit and giggle and do all those stupid things i hope people do more often with the one's they love. i'm so over this 'independent' bullshit. just constantly surround yourself with funny people. why wouldn't you?

there's time for my favourite burgers, benches in downtown parks, and birdhouses hanging over us in the middle of this little metropolis of ours. and at some point, we're all catching ourselves smile, because it really has been so long, but one by one, someone's gotta go, until it's just me and the equally sensitive one. when the last one leaves, we're standing on the same steps we started with, and he turns over to me and says, "so, here we are." and i say, "so we are, kid." and i am so incapable of being tolerable! not that that's a bad thing, but i am so consistently brimming with thoughts and feelings and i mean, that works well with this one. but it's still strenuous. mighty. leaden, if you will. and obnoxiously twenty. even when i meet new people i don't have much interest, because really i just want to say, "nice to meet you, so death? isn't that ridiculous! what are your thoughts??" all i think about is dying tomorrow and how much that reminds me how much i love you, things, it - even when i'm bubbling with anger, and THEN, i end up bitching to him about, "'zen' whatever the fuck that means, and that you need terrible things - you can't be zen while simultaneously acknowledging the ridiculousness of civilization, and you need to acknowledge that it is ridiculous, and you need to be upset that babies are dying for no reason, and you need to feel lonely, you need anger, frustration, resentment, and to be fucking human, or else you'll never want to be anything worthwhile, because... well, because... "it's a good fight, buffy, and i want in.""

yes.

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