often enough i've succumbed to deluded teen obsessions. i think that's when they first form at their best, maybe. and from there, i guess, even growing up on the internet, i seriously know what fandom is. so every other month, i'll have a new obsession - insert various singer/band, actress, tv show, movie, clothing item, trendy concept, colour, magazine, whatever. and i, like the rest of this internet world, will sort of join in and research everything there could possibly be on that current obsession. and i have a problem. because i'm currently obsessed - i have recently developed into a huge fucking fan of, well, my family.
that is, my family pre-me, or at the very least, the early stages of me. mostly pre-me. what you don't realize is that you have this very 'present' understanding of everything. when i think of my mom or my dad, i think of how they look now, and i also sort of don't think twice about it. that's just how they are now, and that's all there is. except for when you research, and you start going through these various 80s photo albums. i know awhile ago, i blogged sort of life summary, if you will, by virtue of these photos, but i was a little younger then, and my parents weren't as older as they are now. and now. jesus, i've been looking through these pictures, and i always knew my mom was gorgeous, (i know, i know, how awful to use that past tense, but i don't mean to belittle or insult her in that way. the fact is, she looks physically different now. she's gained a lot of weight, and is aged and as has my father, and i think honouring their youthful bodies isn't a way of shitting all over age, but of just reveling in what they once were). because that's the point. i look through all of these, and i'm introduced to them aspeople. not as my mom and dad, but as these beautiful, authentic people. and the pictures i'm looking at, most, if not all, reflect a time in which i didn't even exist in. and that concept, alone, is so goddamn mind blowing, but to realize that these people who are so inherently an aspect of the thread that is my life, existed before i did. there was genuinely a time where they didn't know me. there has never been a time where i didn't know them. this seems so absurd to me!
so i'm obsessed. i'm experiencing genuine fandom. i'm looking at these pictures, and i cannot stand just HOW truly, deeply, painfully, oh my god, gorgeous my mother was. i can officially answer the question - who is the most beautiful women in the world? and hands down, it is my mother. no celebrity or model has surpassed the beauty i'm now obsessed with. and i know a lot of girls think they're mom is the prettiest, and as they ought to, and maybe i'm just following that mom-love path, but i honestly have been staring at her face, and wondering how we share genes. not in a self-deprecating way, just, in this awe-struck realization, that i came from her, that had we met now, i'd have a girl-crush on her, like plenty of other beautiful people. i don't know. it's so ridiculous that that is genuinely her and my mother and not my mother all at the same time.
and my father. i've always felt like my father hasn't really aged. even to this day, people are thoroughly impressed with his physical appearance considering his age, and so i always feel like he's looked this way. but he hasn't. i see these pictures and i'm very aware that he hasn't. and maybe the thing is, that i'm in my 20s, and i'm seeing my parents alive in their 20s, and i am so forever grateful to photography for that gift. and it's so heavy. i don't know how to describe it. i've always felt so detached from them in that way, not in all, but in the way in which they have always been grown up mom & dad, and not 20 year old newlyweds. and something else that is very integral to keep in mind is that they were happy. they were ignorant and happy, and it's so ridiculously beautiful to watch, i could watch it all day. for the past couple of days, i have been. i've been watching and wondering, and fucking playing with time. if this all sounds dramatic and intense, it's because it feels like this. this is a pre-sruti era. these are people i know so well, and have never met, and i'm obsessed with them. i want all of my mothers clothes, i want to meet that man that was my father and get to know him, and be his friend. and i want to play with my older sister when she was a child. and i can't seem to connect that world, and this. i'm still not sure if that's good, or bad, or simply necessary. but for now, i'm just obsessed with them.
that is, my family pre-me, or at the very least, the early stages of me. mostly pre-me. what you don't realize is that you have this very 'present' understanding of everything. when i think of my mom or my dad, i think of how they look now, and i also sort of don't think twice about it. that's just how they are now, and that's all there is. except for when you research, and you start going through these various 80s photo albums. i know awhile ago, i blogged sort of life summary, if you will, by virtue of these photos, but i was a little younger then, and my parents weren't as older as they are now. and now. jesus, i've been looking through these pictures, and i always knew my mom was gorgeous, (i know, i know, how awful to use that past tense, but i don't mean to belittle or insult her in that way. the fact is, she looks physically different now. she's gained a lot of weight, and is aged and as has my father, and i think honouring their youthful bodies isn't a way of shitting all over age, but of just reveling in what they once were). because that's the point. i look through all of these, and i'm introduced to them aspeople. not as my mom and dad, but as these beautiful, authentic people. and the pictures i'm looking at, most, if not all, reflect a time in which i didn't even exist in. and that concept, alone, is so goddamn mind blowing, but to realize that these people who are so inherently an aspect of the thread that is my life, existed before i did. there was genuinely a time where they didn't know me. there has never been a time where i didn't know them. this seems so absurd to me!
so i'm obsessed. i'm experiencing genuine fandom. i'm looking at these pictures, and i cannot stand just HOW truly, deeply, painfully, oh my god, gorgeous my mother was. i can officially answer the question - who is the most beautiful women in the world? and hands down, it is my mother. no celebrity or model has surpassed the beauty i'm now obsessed with. and i know a lot of girls think they're mom is the prettiest, and as they ought to, and maybe i'm just following that mom-love path, but i honestly have been staring at her face, and wondering how we share genes. not in a self-deprecating way, just, in this awe-struck realization, that i came from her, that had we met now, i'd have a girl-crush on her, like plenty of other beautiful people. i don't know. it's so ridiculous that that is genuinely her and my mother and not my mother all at the same time.
and my father. i've always felt like my father hasn't really aged. even to this day, people are thoroughly impressed with his physical appearance considering his age, and so i always feel like he's looked this way. but he hasn't. i see these pictures and i'm very aware that he hasn't. and maybe the thing is, that i'm in my 20s, and i'm seeing my parents alive in their 20s, and i am so forever grateful to photography for that gift. and it's so heavy. i don't know how to describe it. i've always felt so detached from them in that way, not in all, but in the way in which they have always been grown up mom & dad, and not 20 year old newlyweds. and something else that is very integral to keep in mind is that they were happy. they were ignorant and happy, and it's so ridiculously beautiful to watch, i could watch it all day. for the past couple of days, i have been. i've been watching and wondering, and fucking playing with time. if this all sounds dramatic and intense, it's because it feels like this. this is a pre-sruti era. these are people i know so well, and have never met, and i'm obsessed with them. i want all of my mothers clothes, i want to meet that man that was my father and get to know him, and be his friend. and i want to play with my older sister when she was a child. and i can't seem to connect that world, and this. i'm still not sure if that's good, or bad, or simply necessary. but for now, i'm just obsessed with them.
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