THIS BLOG IS DEAD, I SAY

go to my tumblr now

bye

if i had any discipline, i'd actually write what my head has been like in the conversations i have been having for the last couple of days, but instead - i'll let jenny do it:

All our friends, they’re gettin’ on
But the girls are still staying young.
If I get caught being rude in a conversation
With a child bride on a summer vacation.

No matter how hard I try to be just one of the guys
There’s a little cop inside that won’t let me.
No matter how hard I try to have an open mind
There’s a little something inside that prevents me.

It’s how I live. You got me here,
Locked in this bathroom full of tears.
And I have begged for you and I have borrowed
But I been the only sister to my own sorrow.

No matter how hard I try to be just one of the guys
There’s a little clock inside that keeps ticking.
No matter how hard I try to have an open mind
There’s a little something inside that won’t let me.

There’s only one difference between you and me
When I look at myself, all I can see:
I’m just another lady without a baby.

No matter how hard I try to be just one of the guys
There’s a little narc inside that won’t let me.
No matter how hard I try to have an open mind
There’s a little something inside that prevents me

carrie bradshow moment, and ponderings aka excerpts from convos between lauren and i

7:26pm

ha ya

therefore reaffirming that there are no rules

but what about the boys like x

or y's ex

who shat all over commitment

or like the notion of a relationship

but instantenously

voluntarily (maybe not?)

went and picked it up with another girl

what is the shift from "i don't want a gf" to "oh here's my new gf"

yeah well. yeah.

#bless #bless #bless

#bless

Love has always made me uncomfortable.

Not that I don't desire it, but it has always made me uncomfortable.  I'm twenty-three, and still when my father comments on my beauty, I cower and say, "Daaad." 

At work, we are separated by cubicles, in the far back corner of the office.  Diagonally across from us, sits our supervisor and her desk.  I would describe her, but it occurs to me just now, how irrelevant her appearance is to the point.  The point is, that on her table, there is a framed photo of a 4 or 5 year old boy, grinning a big 4 or 5 year old grin.  The office is normally silent, save for instances when people find themselves having conversations on telephones.  Everyday at about 10am or 11am, a special telephone call breaks the silence.  Everyday at about 10am or 11am, this woman calls her 4 to 5 year old son (specifics be damned), and the entire office overhears her gush adoringly, on the phone, saying things like, "hell-o baby!  how are ya?  did you eat?" "what'd you eat?"  "you're being silly!"

everyday.

i don't have many strong feelings and or opinions about this woman beyond this.  she is neither the best nor the worst boss, and i barely know anything about her personality - in fact, i imagine our interests wildly differ even beyond our generational gap.  but everyday at this time, this women becomes my hero.  how unapologetic she is, in taking up this phone call - as important to her if not more so than any incoming or outgoing call dealing with her actual job.

"i love you, okay?" she always says.

then she hangs up her phone, turns to me, who has been awkwardly standing in the corner, staring at her two feet, and says, "ok yeah, what do you need?"  I stutter, and stumble because love has made me uncomfortable.

Love has always made me uncomfortable.  

i bet you could never tell, that i knew you didn't know me that well

Full disclosure.

I have always had a tremendously hard time cutting people out of my life.  I realize I haven't been on this earth for very long, but for the duration that has taken up - I just cannot seem to do it.  I cannot seem to say, "Goodbye forever."  In fact, it is a running joke between an old friend.  Goodbye forever, he says.  Really he is saying, "Fine, Sruti.  I'll say Goodbye Forever, since you are so scared of death, but you really are going to die anytime soon, and neither am I, so really I will see you later, but okay, if you're so freaked out - goodbye forever."

Yesterday, after hours, and days, of struggling with another person's affect on my existence (he had not been struggling, he had not been stressed.  Oh, I admire that, men.  I admire that greatly).  He saw me face for five seconds, saw how upset it was, and immediately said, "Woah okay, nevermind.  See ya!" which is. the. worst. way to deal with an upset person.  So I said, "I'm done.  If you leave, I'm done."  Because I fucking am.

Done.

His face broke in a matter of mili-seconds.  At first in confusion, then in horror, then in total shock, and then in fear.  He literally cowered, and said, "What? Woah. Okay.  Bye?  Sorry sorry sorry sorry" Hands up, waving them around as though he were innocent, and I was flashing a light in his face.

But he doesn't know.  He doesn't know about Goodbye Forever.
So this day might be hard to get through.

"how was your nye?"

me: 

watched clueless, played wii, and then had a mini-dance party

you: 

now im jelly

oh jesus

this is amazing.