my mind has shifted from the beginnings of one project, to another. i'm not sure if i want to do the first one anymore, or rather, i'm not sure if others are willing to give enough of themselves for the first one. i think i'm ready though. to give myself for the second one. it just takes discipline, and the willingness to try to articulate. i fear that, with this particular subject. but i shouldn't. no reason not to take it up in the coming months.
christ, i really must be my father. he too, after all these years, is gonna try to remember his type-writer skills, and tap away at our desktop mac, for a new newspaper in the cultural community. he came into my room, and told me, and he was smiling, so take that cynicism, world views, and sruti! i jumped in my seat, giddy, exclaimed, "when are you starting?!?!" to which he laughed and said, "i don't know." it was like asking superman when he was gonna save the world next, and having superman respond in total clark kent humility, that he didn't really know, but he appreciated my enthusiasm.
i told a friend, who had a (4? 5?) year old daughter at the time, that all little girls eventually face a moment where they realize their fathers are in fact, not superhuman. he said, "when?" i said, "around 6, i guess." how cruel of me. really, i had picked an arbitrary answer, because back then i was still uncomfortable with saying the phrase, "i don't know." his eyes got wide, as this meant he was two years away from breaking the delusion. i take it back friend! i am 23, and sometimes i still forget my dad is NOT superhuman.
crowds gather to him. friends gather to him. the blessing we get are in due to the sort of respect and admiration he gains from absolute strangers. it has been to his detriment, as well. but i, i am like my father. young, naive, and ready and willing to bare myself, because honesty is one of our greatest addictions. even if at the cost of trust.
i don't know why i am so particular about this past week. i keep telling everyone that my friends finally returned, and that made me smile, but - and not to discount the quality of the two - their value is great, but their quantity is low. they were just two friends. i don't know how to describe it. a large chunk of it, is definitely lauren's presence in my life. she is the main person i talk to about most things, so that's a void coming, for sure. but i don't know. that day with lauren and jacob?? this past week has just been bliss.
listen, listen. this is what we do. and you will come to conclusions after reading this. perhaps judgemental, perhaps not. but you should understand, that i already have come to these conclusions myself. i acknowledge that the bliss of this week is largely due in part to my total privileged existence. so here's to my twenties. listen. we meet up, smoke, eat at my favourite place for lunch, where the sounds play solange knowles, and the visuals stimulate thoughts. then we walk to the chocolate restaurant a couple blocks down, and share a sundae. eventually, we end with a coffee. but all through out, we talk. we just talk and talk and talk about people, and society, and the way humans function, and the way we're socially conditioned exist, what do genetics say about our relationships with each other, what do we want as women, what's unfair about this culture when it comes to women, and have you noticed how we all have the capacity to read a language no one addresses? the semantic language of symbols? which i know is ultimately language itself, but i mean the way we stop at stop signs, and the way we read danger, and what does that mean - from an evolutionary perspective? yes, maybe. but if we're still working on that basis, are we as women failing to evolve, or are we achieving at a greater rate, given our maternal, and sexual growths? why is this all so hard, but damn i love my butt, and skirts.
it's. bliss.
and i stumble home, sleepy, but alert, and a little buzzing from everything the day has inspired and fueled me with. and oh man, i hope, i hope, i can channel this fuel again, because i've got nothing but time now, kid. you've. got. nothing. but. time. you better use this. you better use this and become her, because you're not the only one excited about her. you might even be worth something to other people. you might help.
i think i adore attention. i want to be challenged, not frustrated. i want to be held. but i also want to be lulled to sleep with stories of my beauty.
ever complex, in every way.
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